Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
You Might Also Like
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”