Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
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No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?