[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
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Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.