In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
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When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Skills
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Made something I’m not proud of
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes