*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
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At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo