I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
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My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Cheers Twitter.
#oldknees
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.