Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
That’s incredible! 👌
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.