People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
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Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
2022 will be better than 2021
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?