right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
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They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Finally a use for spoilers…
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.