STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
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5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Lassie, get help!
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
North and South
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.