CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
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When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
mathematically impossible
So inspired right now.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.