Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
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“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
consequences, the bane of my existence
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.