3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
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You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.