Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
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Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Gemma Correll
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.