“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
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About to go for a run, because shoplifting
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
this is the best day of my life
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.