The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
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I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
My dad teaching me to drive
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof