I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
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What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.