I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
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Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Shortcut
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
My dress code is business-casualty.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test