Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
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What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.