Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
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I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.