Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
You Might Also Like
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Sign of the day..
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.