HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight