Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
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Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”