y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
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Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
how long have you had this for?
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]