Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
You Might Also Like
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Feels
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.