It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
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people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
oh u like geography? name every lake
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything