The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
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A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
According to math, I’m broke
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Sign at work today
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF