A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
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Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
u spoke cat all this time??????
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
huge if true: the moon
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found