If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
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i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*