I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
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Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck