The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
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*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.