I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
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“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
LA today:
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”