Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
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banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
They’re stuck in your pants?
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?