Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
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Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’