My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
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Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Best seat on the street 😍
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok