When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
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January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.