The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
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When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
My husband is a keeper.
No, that鈥檚 not the word.
Hoarder. He鈥檚 a hoarder.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn鈥檛 we go to that guy鈥檚 baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
The internet is full of many things
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Me: I don鈥檛 want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
she has a point
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that鈥檚 Snow White, she鈥檚 dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Everyone鈥檚 gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Me: [in kitchen] today we鈥檙e going to replace my wife鈥檚 coffee with a live badger, let鈥檚 see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here