SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
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Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Always the camel, never the toe.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Important
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.