I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
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NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”