[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
You Might Also Like
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…