[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
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Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Practicing safe sax
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.