Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
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I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
This is true.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds