Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
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WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude