The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
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*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.