I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
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Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly