*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
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For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
*checks Timeline*…
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
this makes me so uncomfortable
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.