football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
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I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
“what that mouth do?” complain
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or