Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
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people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
this was the best i’ve ever seen
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.