my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
You Might Also Like
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
I had to Stop for this
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”