WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
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Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER